APRIL 2012
First I want to start by giving God all the glory in every good thing that has manifested in my life. Romans 8:28 tells us that ‘God works all things for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.’ I pray that God reaches many people through my story. For these are His words and not my own.
During my mother’s pregnancy, she worked for a man that was abusive to her emotionally and mentally. Throughout the entire nine months, my mom lived on an emotional rollercoaster. She was always crying and devastated or raging with anger. I can’t imagine how that would affect a growing baby in the womb but I am convinced that I was being tormented all the time by something that was not of God. Ephesians 6:12 says ‘For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.’
On May 8th, 1983, I was born into a very loving and supportive family. My mom and dad showed more love to me than many children will ever receive in a lifetime. Mom has the biggest heart and love for God and her family. My dad is a very hard worker and provides for his family. I have one sister, Ashley. She is five years older than me. She wanted a baby sister for many years and prayed that God would give her one. She has been a God fearing servant of the Lord since childhood.
As a child, I was very hyper active and full of energy. I controlled the atmosphere of our home with the energy I carried with me. I would be feeling good, happy and excited and hyper until I was almost out of control to the point my parents had to tell me to calm down. Being a mom now, I understand that much of how children learn and grow is by finding balance in their lives through the stability and guidance of parents. I was different though. When I heard the words ‘calm down’, my mood and demeanor dropped drastically in the opposite direction. I did not receive those words as instructions from my parents but rather as rejection from them. I would end up throwing uncontrollable 2-3 hour long fits. This went on for many years. I was a happy child unless I didn’t get my way. Deep down I knew something was different with me and that the way I acted was not normal. My parents did everything in their power to find a balance of love and discipline with me.
As I got older, the fits of rage got worse and I started hurting myself at a very young age. Mom and dad sought help through the church, psychiatrists, counselors and any way they could think of. I went through many psyche evaluations and thus started the diagnosing. The first diagnosis was ADHD. The doctors began feeding me medications that would ‘fix’ me so I could function as a ‘normal’ child. Realistically it just numbed me. I had to change medications ever so often because I would become immune and they would just stop doing anything for me at all. During all of the switching I was told that I had bipolar disorder, depression and borderline personality disorder.
My dad motivated me to work hard in school and make good choices so I would be able to live a good and productive life. He helped me get involved with a volleyball team at the YMCA and noticed I had very good athletic abilities. I made the volleyball team in the 6th grade and kept playing until my sophomore year in high school. I would do great during my practices but when it was game time, it’s like I froze and forgot everything. The coaches always gave me a chance and let me start each game playing, but soon after I was pulled out to sit on the bench. That did nothing good for my self esteem. I felt rejected by the other girls on the team and didn’t feel like I was good enough to be their friend. I didn’t know it at the time, but now I realize that the medications were having so much to do with it all. I was almost like a zombie.
I was not accepted by my teammates and their friends and began settling with friends who I knew would accept me. I started rebelling little by little. I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol and moved onto drugs and toxic relationships. I became addicted to a filthy lifestyle that devastated my family. I fell in so deep and it seemed like I would never get out. I remember waking up many mornings wondering what I was doing living like that. Waking up realizing that it wasn’t just a bad dream but I really was living a life that disappointed my family, one that caused me to hang my head in shame.
I found my first ‘love’ at the age of 16…he was 22 years old. He taught me how to lie, steal and cheat, and manipulate my way through life. He abused me physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally. He talked down to me to the point where I had no self worth and figured that was the best I could get. That relationship eventually ended with a gun to my head. I knew God had a purpose for my life since I got out of that one alive. I continued to be attracted to men with no moral standards. I was looking for love and acceptance anywhere I could find it. But it was only temporary. No matter what or how much of it I had, it never seemed to be enough. I was never filled. I was never satisfied. It was a vicious cycle that had no end.
The second ‘love’ I found kept me bound up in chains to no end. I was a functional drug addict. Cocaine was the ‘wisdom’ I received from the devil himself. As long as I had it, I learned to do whatever it took to get my way. I became a professional con artist. It was more than a full time job. It was all I lived for. I didn’t care what I did or who I hurt as long as I was happy. Who I had become was not me but the sin that was living in me. Romans 7:18-20 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.’
When I found out I was going to be a mommy, I decided I did not want my child to follow in the direction I went. I stayed clean throughout the pregnancy and was happy but the chains still held me. I continued living for myself and no satisfaction came out of that. I fought the temptation for a while after my daughter was born, but soon after I was lured back into my addiction. I was a functional drug addict. By saying, that I mean that I was able to keep my daughter alive and ‘live life’ and totally hide the fact that I was on drugs 99.9% of the time. I became very good at hiding it from my family and friends. I knew where my poor choices were taking me, but I just continued to dig and make the hole bigger until I was caught. I would have a melt down and decide to get on the right track. I did this over and over and over again wasting much of my adult life up to this point.
Almost three years after she was born, I had come to the end of my rope. By this time I had no idea what I was even living for…or not living for that matter. I had no hope, no dreams, no aspirations in life. I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. I hit rock bottom when I realized my daughter was going to be taken by my family. They were no longer going to enable me to continue that life, and most of all, would not allow me to take my little girl down with me. I was desperate. I got down on my knees and begged and pleaded for God to get me out. I said I would do anything.
That same day, the pastor’s wife from my sister’s church recommended a faith based recovery program called Teen Challenge. I was more than willing to go…but the worst news was still to come. It is a YEAR LONG program! I couldn’t imagine being away from my child for an entire year. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare! I was devastated.
One year later, here I am back with my baby girl, living a life I had no idea could be so wonderful. The past year was definitely not a walk in the park. People assume rehab is like a nice relaxing resort. My first two secular rehabs were similar to that idea, but this place was somewhat different.
As I signed myself in, I signed my civil rights away. I was humbled very quickly and learned that respect was not an option. My days started at 5:30 am and ended at 9:30 pm. It was during those hours that I was faced with the most challenging experience of my life. Every moment of every day brought on an opportunity for growth. I had lived for myself for 27 years and had taught myself all there is to know about getting my way. I was not very interested in dealing with life, facing consequences, coping in hard times, etc. No matter what I had to do, I ran from my problems or numbed myself out so I didn’t have to deal with them. I finally came to the point in my life where it was time to learn a different way. I knew there had to be more to life than what I had been living for and I knew the Answer. I tried to get better many times on my own but didn’t realize the power that I needed to be delivered from the lifestyle, the addictions, the bondage I was in. As I left my 3 year old baby girl, my family, my comfort zone, and everything I had ever known, I felt alone and completely torn on the inside. I didn’t know anybody and didn’t know what to expect. It was a sick feeling but at the same time, I had peace deep down inside knowing that I was done with that life and had this opportunity to get it right. I felt very relieved that there were no more lies that had not yet been exposed. I didn’t have anything to hide anymore.
I had been there for about a week and decided I would not be able to make it holding on to my daughter like I was. I had to do something so I could start my journey. So one night at a chapel service, I took all my burdens to the alter and handed my little angel over to God. I completely released her to Him and prayed that He would show me how to trust Him. The very next morning as the staff member woke up the room and turned on the lights, I looked over at her picture on the bulletin board and it was special what I saw. I saw the girl that I gave birth to but God gave me eyes to see her with His eyes. I saw her as God’s child…not mine. But a very special gift He blessed me with to care for. From that point, I began to develop the most wonderful love relationship with my Savior Jesus.
The program had me on a very strict schedule. I rarely had any free time for myself. When I did, I stayed in my little area in the room with my bible in hand. The room I stayed in for the majority of the year was the biggest room in the house. It held up to 10 ladies and was called the ‘Big City’. This was a four bedroom 2 story house with five bathrooms and 25 ladies. Not so much personal space. Not cool.
Mornings were chaotic as 25 woman hustled around trying to get ready for the day, eat breakfast and do house chores. Every morning I could hardly wait to go the chapel for prayer time then praise and worship. That lasted from 7:30-8:00, then we read Proverbs. At 8:30 I went to my job for the day whatever I was doing at the time. Sometimes I would go to a church and clean it. There was a washateria where 2 ladies at a time would work. We also went to a car auction and drove cars through the auction barn. I worked in the choir office for about 6 months calling pastors and booking choir services for us. On Sundays we would travel Texas to different churches and give a presentation with songs and testimonies. I have experienced many different kinds of worship. We visited all kinds of denominations from Southern Baptist to a Messianic Jewish Synagogue. I was always blessed. The bible says that we are made overcomers by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I did a bunch of testifying in the past year.
Another job was fundraising on the weekends. We set up our craft tables at Wal-Mart, Tractor Supply, Super S and anybody who would have us. I had many divine appointments then too. To be a driver for Teen Challenge, students had to be 25 years old to be on the insurance. I was one of the very few eligible drivers so unless I had a visit from my family or a pass to go off campus I was out on the weekends driving to and from fundraisers and choirs. We went as far north as Amarillo, south to Brownsville, and everywhere in between. Fundraising for 10 hours with a 4 hour drive tried getting the best of me at times. The job that grew me the most was being cook for the Teen Challenge women’s center. I had to plan a week’s menu and cook 3 square meals a day. I had very little help as I learned to rely on God’s help. Looking back at all the responsibility that came with that along with my school work, it took an act of God to keep me sane and stable to get everything done. I really didn’t have free time then and if I did, I was trying to perfect the menu for the next week. I wanted to make my girls happy and healthy with what they were eating. I dropped the ball on a couple occasions because I was so overwhelmed with everything I had to do and forgot to thaw out meat the night before. That resulted in a write up and loss of a phone call to my daughter. The thing that kept me going was that hopeful little voice on the other end wanting and missing momma.
When I wasn’t working, I studied the Teen Challenge curriculum. This gave me tools to learn the bible and apply it to my life. It was those projects that God used to grow me. I memorized over 200 scriptures from His Word. I would carry scripture cards around with me to meditate on throughout the week. If I was struggling in a certain area, I could always receive wisdom from my weekly scripture.
I had to learn to respect authority figures that had no business being in that position. I could do certain things when one staff member was on duty but another one would tell me I couldn’t. I did not have the freedom to defend myself by arguing my case with a staff member. If a problem came between an intern and a student, the program coordinator always took the intern’s word over a student’s. I had to answer to interns or staff who were close to 10 years younger than me. If I got in trouble, it resulted in physical discipline such as hard manual labor. God disciplines those He loves…..He REALLY loves me A LOT!
This experience was the hardest thing I could ever imagine going through. I know that more trials are still to come but I have the tools now. Teen Challenge was my safe place to develop my relationship with Christ and learn to receive His Wisdom and Peace. But to get to that point, I had to face my fears. I was in bondage and had to get myself out. I was able to do that only by God’s Grace. He gave me the strength to keep standing when I was falling apart. He gave me the wisdom to speak out life instead of death. He empowered me with His Holy Spirit to become an overcomer. I knew it would all be good in the end but I didn’t know it could ever be this good. I am so in love with Jesus now. He is all I think about. I live to worship Him by how I live my life. I live to lead my daughter to Jesus by example rather than by the ‘do as I say not as I do’ theory. I am now the mom that I wanted so badly to be but couldn’t because I was bound tightly with those chains! I have a relationship with my sister now! My parents have their daughter back. My niece and nephew have Aunt Jenn back. I don’t see the world the same anymore but now with ‘spiritual eyes’ per say. God has allowed me to see things for what they are now. I recognize the lies and schemes of the enemy. I am no longer afraid. There is Power in the name of Jesus! I said His Name and there He was…He picked me up out of the filth and set me up on a solid rock. I am confident now in who I am in Christ. I am no longer defined by the world’s standards but by God Standards. He woke me up! He called me out of my misery and is opening up doors to my future! All I need is God. I am ready to change the world. I am open to whatever He has for me. I am ready…I want ALL He has for me. I have been SET FREE!!!!!!!
I learned that faith is absolutely not a feeling but it’s a commitment. I may never understand God’s ways as long as I am alive but I now trust that He truly does have my best interest at heart. He has worked my entire life’s experience to my benefit. Every single mistake and bad choice I have made is now being used for HIS GLORY. I saw my year at Teen Challenge as the transition from old life into New Life. I had to wander around in the wilderness before I came to my ‘Jordan River’. I went in blinded but with that mustard seed of faith and have crossed over into this New Life. I have entered into a New Season in my life. I choose Jesus now. I choose the One who gives and takes away. I choose to live a radical life of dying to my flesh every day for my God. Life was not made to be easy but it sure will be easier now that I have that peace that transcends all understanding. The Creator of the universe saw me helpless doing nothing good for this world. All He had to do was speak it and I would have been just a memory, BUT OH HOW HE LOVES ME!!
